What’s your name again?

Hi, I’m Samantha and earlier today I forgot my husband’s name.

OK so that makes it sound a little more dramatic than what actually happened but as an opening line I really liked it!

Jack had a fracture clinic appointment this morning so I went up to the hospital with him. We were sitting in the x-ray department waiting room, waiting for him to be called. I’m vaguely aware of names being called but none of them his… until one point where he stands up then offers me a hand up. I’m confused because I didn’t hear them call him, and tell him so. And then I slowly register that a nurse had just called ‘Jonathan Anderson’.

Oh. Right. They meant my husband. Jack’s legal name is Jonathan. It always takes me a moment to put ‘Jonathan’ and my Jack togheher. Because he’s not Jonathan to me. He’s Jack. He’s always been Jack, and he’ll always be Jack. He’s Jack to pretty much everyone – except for his late Father and his older brothers. At our wedding, I even called him Jack when I said my vows.

I suspect he’ll be poking fun at me for that for a few days to come!

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do what makes your soul shine

Lazy Sundays with Jack and Lucy are some of my favourites. The funk of mild depression I’ve been having the last few weeks has lifted and I feel like I’ve properly enjoyed myself for the first time in… a few months.

The morning was spent in bed, both sleeping and playing (details available upon request), followed by lunch out a local carvery. We ate far too much food before coming home and spending the afternoon in a blanket pile playing Cards Against Humanity. Some beers were drunk, some joints were smoked and the afternoon passed blissfully.

The munchies gave cause to some baking. Rocky Road cupcakes, currently sitting on the counter cooling. Chocolate cupcakes with a little hidden marshmallow centre. I’ll wait to decorate them when I’m a little more in control of all my faculties but the plan is chocolate buttercream icing, mini marshmallows and sprinkles.
I’ll share the recipe if anyone’s interested?

Jack and Lucy are making some dinner – we’re being very adult and having cheese omelette, baked beans and sausages because between us, that’s what we wanted. Ah the dinners of the old and inebriated!

The plan for this evening is watching some Legends Of Tomorrow and imagining a threesome with Snart & Sara but while I’m waiting for food to apear, I’m going to post a little Geek Girl Meme that I copied from somewhere on the internet but forgot to note down where from. Sorry. If I stole this from you, please let me know!

1. What is your must-have tech gadget? It has to be my phone. I can organise my life from this baby – calendar, emails, notes. I can listen to music, play games, watch tv. What can’t I do with my phone? It even makes phone calls!
2. Which house do you belong to in Hogwarts? Slytherin.
3. Who is your favorite Doctor? This is such a hard character. I have three main favourites – Jon Pertween, Tom Baker and David Tennant. I suppose if I had to pick just one, it’d be… um.. Four. Tom Baker.
4. If you could have dinner with any fictional character, who would it be? Trying not to be very shallow and pick someone just because they’re pretty. I think General Leia Organa Solo would be an incredible woman to sit down and talk with. She’s been through so much, lost so much yet she’s still this strong, powerful, FORCE of a woman.
5. What is your gaming system of choice? I’m not a gamer.
6. If you had a super power, what would it be? Teleportation
7. What is your favorite fantasy world? The United Federation Of Planets
8. If you could be any fictional race, what would you be? a Tolkien elf
9. Star Trek or Star Wars? Yes. Don’t make me choose, I love both. I grew up with both. I love them.
10. List your top 5 geektastic movies or TV Series.Doctor Who
Star Trek
Star Wars
Marvel Cinematic Universe
DC movies/shows
11. List your top 5 favorite video games. I’m still not a gamer.

Right here’s food. Time to rearrange and dig in. Enjoy your evening!

depression

Mental health is important but it’s so widely misunderstood, and mental illness is so misrepresented. I know there have been campaigns recently about ending the stigma, about opening communication. And as Bob Hoskins would tell us – it’s good to talk.

I have personal experience with a number of conditions, namely depression, schizo-affective disorder and ADHD. I am not an expert on any of these illnesses and nor will I ever claim to be. This is purely based on my own observations and interactions with the people in my life.

I have had depressive episodes in my life. I have been depressed, generally for a period of one to three months and I generally don’t realize that’s what the problem is until I’m out the other side. Based on my current feelings of the universe hating me and desperate need to keep Jack & Lucy safe, I am most likely in the midst of one of these episodes which is undoubtedly brought on by stress and major change in life.

I am fortunate. I am surrounded by those who are not as fortunate. I watch my girlfriend doing battle with her mind everyday; every single day for the last 8 years she gets up and fights. I am awed by her strength, by her will to survive, her will to live.

For most, depression is a chronic condition. It is something that you live with daily. There are times when it flares up and overwhelms you. And there are times when you’re fairly functional. You can have depression and be happy at the same time. You can have depression and no one know it.

Depression isn’t just being sad. Obviously, it encompasses that, but it includes so much more. Your body slows down while the brain monkeys get to work feeding you lies and pressing all the buttons that fill you with fear and sadness and loneliness and anxiety. Depression is a hole that gets darker the deeper you fall into it. It strangles your view of the world outside as well as your view of who you really are.

Don’t expect people with depression to be able to reach out for help when it gets really bad. They can’t.

Instead, it is our responsibility, our societal contract if you will, to be the ones to check in with those we love, to not let them skate by with “I’m fine” when you know they aren’t. It doesn’t have to be a lot of work. Just reach out, remind them of your love, that you care that they exist, that you are glad they are alive and in your life. Don’t expect them to just get better, just get over it, move on, be happy, etc. It really isn’t something they can control.

For most, there is no “reason” that they are depressed, other than their brain chemistry. So put down all the platitudes and inspiration quotes. Stop assuming that if you leave them alone for a few weeks, they’ll be all better the next time you see them. Let go of the idea that all they need is a little sunshine or a walk in the woods or a day at the beach or a night out with friends. None of those things fix brain chemistry.

Do reach out to them, especially if their pattern of behaviour changes or they go radio silent unexpectedly. Don’t judge how they look (many folks with depression can not do the simple tasks of showering, brushing hair, getting dressed, etc) or the shape of their house (if they can’t clean themselves, they likely can’t clean their house). Do come over and sit with them, yes, even in the mess. Talk to them and keep talking….TO them, not AT them. Get them talking, GENTLY. Make them a meal. Help them clean (don’t do it for them, that will just reinforce what the brain monkeys are telling them about how worthless they are). Offer to take them to see a doctor. Offer to go get their meds refilled.

Above all, just check the judgemental ableist attitude at the door. And love. Love deeply, warmly and without condition.

Dream a little dream of me

I’ve never been one for nightmares or bad dreams. I’ve never even really remembered my dreams, I have fuzzy recollections in the morning but never anything vivid or memorable.

I went through a phase of fairly bad nightmares in my early teens after my mother died but I suppose that’s to be expected, all things considered.

Last night though my sleep was haunted by nightmares. I can’t recall anything specific other than a feeling of fear and panic, lots of running and being chased. I slept terribly because of it, and am feeling quite sluggish today.

My husband has been teasing me about it – says I’m not allowed to watch any more horror film. We went to see IT last night and I’m not completely convinced the film was to blame. Maybe it was and combined with the stress of the last couple of months.
IT was a bloody brilliant film though, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was delightfully creepy. I’m also left wondering if we have the book. I’m not even sure we have any Stephen King

Then again he was also awake with me at 4 am and cuddling me back to sleep. That was the only time I woke him up, thankfully. And he did let me sleep in this morning while he and our girlfriend went to the supermarket.

They’ve just got back and I’m enjoying a breakfast of peach slces and yoghurt, with a mug of coffee. It’s making me start to feel a little more human, thank god.

Today we are working on turning one of the rooms into a ‘library’ of sorts. We’ve decorated it and got carpets in. Today will be mostly about putting up bookshelves and getting the books up. Monday the couch and chairs are due to be delivered.

Ouch!

Dear Physiotherapist,

There is only one sadist who enjoys making people cry in my life – and that evil bitch is me!

Whilst I appreciate your tough love approach, the ‘no pain, no gain’ aspect of this regime is not one that I am a fan of.

I would suggest you inflict the pain on my husband since he enjoys that but… he’s mine and that’s my job.

As I have been informed that inflicting any form of violence upon you would be frowned on, I shall instead take it out on both Jack and Lucy’s asses. At least that way some fun will had from the doling out of pain.

Regards,
Samantha

Wedding Anniversary Gifts

In case anyone isn’t aware, there is a BDSM element to my relationship. Jack and Lucy are both my submissives sexually. The following statement/question kind of needs this preface or it would have just seemed like an incredible bizarre thing to say!

It’s perfectly acceptable to buy your husband a vibrating prostate massager and cock ring for your wedding anniversary, right? I’ve seen this online that says the smooth girth of a dildo, with the revolving movement of fingers! This prostate massager provides unique pleasure with 3 buzzing speeds, 4 patterns of pulsation, and 3 gyration functions. Two motors send power surging into your ass and pressing against your taint.

It’s 6.75 inches in total length, 5 inches insertable, 1.5 inches in diameter. And, really, that sounds like a LOT of fun – for all of us 😉
I have so many ideas that could involve this toy

I’ve also got him some cufflinks – French Chantilly lace encased in a layer of clear plexiglas and set in sterling silver. It’s our 13th anniversary and traditionally that’s lace.

And a pair of light-up shoe laces because the man is still 4 years old at heart!

Nerd vs. Geek

Since I mentioned not knowing the difference between geek and nerd in my last post, I decided to what every self-respecting girl would do. I did a little research.

First things first we have dictionary definitions:
geek: a person who has excessive enthusiasm for and some expertise about a specialized subject or activity
nerd: an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit

So it would seem that the main different there would be intelligence and enthusiasm but otherwise the definitions seem pretty similar.

A few google searches later and from what I’m understanding, a nerd is industrious, intelligent, understands thing and a geek Interested in things that others are not interested in, know a lot about their interests, but usually do not understand underlying principles. If we were to take, for example, Star Trek, the basic idea is that a geek knows everything about the show, but a nerd understands the science behind it.

I’m also seeing a lot of references that nerds are more academic, are concerned with maths and/or science.

There’s a lot about geeks being the ones who go to conventions, who will wear t-shirts etc with designs pertining to their fandom/s. Nerds, on the other hand, are seen as introverted and socially awkward.

Basically, if my understanding is correct, both Jack and myself are geeks and nerds, whereas Lucy is ‘only’ a geek.

I’m definitely on the nerd side of things with the maths and the science and like understanding how things work and am fascinated by, for example, how science fiction technology in a show like Star Trek inspired real life technology. But I’ve got a lot of geek in me for my love of science fiction and I do get very hyper-enthusiastic about things and will talk your ear off if I get excited about something.

Lucy is definitely a geek. She doesn’t get into the nitty gritty under the bonnet of the things she loves but when she obsesses, she will know everything about her current love. She happily obsesses and really doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. She’s got the collectors set, joined the forum, wears the t-shirt, can wax lyrically and poeticaly and generally has fun wiht her interests.

My husband will happily claim the label geek and will tell you he was a geek before it was cool. But don’t let his never ending supply of graphic t-shirts fool you – there’s a whole lot of nerd inside of him. The man has an MSc in Aeronautical Engineering and was a RAF mechanic. He’s also an astronomy nerd and understands a lot more physics than he lets on.

I’m also pretty sure that wanting to understand the difference between geeks and nerds puts me firmly in the nerd category!