I’m with them

Polyamory seems to be one of those topics that a lot of people have many preconceived notions about – a lot of which are completely wrong. You will probably already be forming an image in your mind of what my life is like based on the fact that I’m not monogamous.

I can tell you now that I am not having group sex or mad orgies.
My life does not revolve around sex – yes, I enjoy it and have a high sex drive but that is not related to polyamory.
I’m not cheating on anyone or sleeping around behind anyone’s back.
I don’t have sex with everyone I meet.
I don’t have an open relationship.
I’m not a swinger or into partner swapping
are there poly relationships like this? Yes, of course – and many many many more variations as well.

I have been married to my husband, Jack, for almost 13 years and we’ve been together for 18. We have a girlfriend, Lucy, and she’s been with us for 8 years. So you can forget any notion that I have commitment issues. There was nothing missing in our relationship before Lucy joined us, never a sense of incompleteness; Lucy added an extra dynamic, an extra layer that we didn’t know was even possible.

Jack and Lucy were engaged in a BDSM relationship for a few months – a non-sexual relationship at that. That’s a whole other dynamic to our relationship that isn’t pertinent to poly and can be discussed at another point. We had a few threesomes during that time and I also watched them play. I still remember the day Jack sat down with me, serious face on and said “You’ve got something on your mind, it’s about Lucy and if I know you, I know what you’re thinking so just come out and tell me so I can tell you you’re right.” And I told him I thought I was falling for her. And he was too. We sat down with Lucy and talked about things and started dating. A few months later she moved in with us.

I am in a closed, poly, triad. There has never been any talk of bringing a fourth person in, or of any of us having a relationship with another person outside of our group.

If there’s anything you want to have clarification on or are simply just curious – please ask me and the chances are I will answer.

But, really, the main thing is that we’re no different than any straight, monogamous couple – it’s just that there’s three of us, rather than two. The one thing I can tell you is that I love both of them fiercely and cannot imagine my life without either of them in it

Love

I opened up this post an entry page to write a thoughtful entry about polyamory and my experiences of it vs people’s misconceptions. Something similar to my post about my bisexuality. I got as far as writing “I am polyamorous” but that was a couple of hours ago and apparently before I was able to get any further I fell asleep.

I’ve woken up to find myself stretched out along the couch, my head in Jack’s lap and two cats asleep on me. Jack is grumbling about the crossword he’s doing and playing with my hair. The dog’s asleep on his feet. Lucy is curled up in the armchair watching videos on youtube.

I do still intend to write that post but not right now because I’m about to head to bed. I just wanted to share our current scene of domestic bliss because it makes me so happy. I am an incredibly lucky woman to have Jack & Lucy in my life and I love them both so much.

youtube, film trailers and strapping young men

Today I have mostly been indulging in cuddling with the cats and my favourite humans. I also had sex for the first time in about a month and god was it good. I’ve just not been feeling in the mood because of pain, side-effects of painkillers, exhaustion and frustration.

I want this damn cast off my leg. It’s been a month and I’m tired of it. It itches and aches and it’s cumbersome. I had an orthopedics appointment yesterday and I’m healing ‘nicely’, whatever that means – both the bone and the operation site. I’m blanking on the medical term. I’ve still got at least another month before he looks at taking the cast off though. I’m getting more stable on crutches, less worried about falling over, taking less painkillers so while I am frustrated, things are all moving in the right direction which is always good to know.

So yes, cuddling, kissing and shagging – a wonderful way to spend a chilly, rainy, Welsh summer morning. I have discovered the joys of youtube, and have been enjoying watching Prince, Michael Jackson, Madonna & Queen videos.

As well as 80s pop music, I’ve been watching trailers for some upcoming movies that I was already eagerly anticipating. If I wasn’t already excited for Justice League or Thor: Ragnarok, I am now beside myself. They both look like so much fun, don’t they?

It’s also worth noting on a purely shallow note, that both Jason Momoa and Chris Hemsworth are both deliciously strappin young men who I would not kick out of bed for eating crackers! (Sorry, Jack!)

It’s now time to move to the couch where there is a chicken salad waiting for me for my lunch and continue watching some Harry Potter. Lucy and I have been rewatching the movies this week, and we’re about to start The Order Of The Phoenix. A nice, comfortable, enjoyable Thursday afternoon.

Bisexuality and Me

Apparently when I was a teenager, everyone thought I was going to be/gay.

I was unaware of this. I found out yesterday when my brother told me. He came over to help with packing and we endedup going through albums of old photos of the two us when we were children. I was such a tomboy; you would have thought our parents had twin boys, not opposite-sex twins. I had the same haircut as Mark, we dressed the same way.

You could also tell the moment in the pictures that puberty hit and it was like I overnight became a girl. I grew my hair and had it permed, and hairsprayed half to death. Arms covered in jelly bracelets. acid wash denim shorts or skirt over leggings or fishnets. Oversize neon sweaters off the shoulder. Big poufy flouncy dresses. If Madonna wore it, I wore it!
(That’s not the subject of this post though I may have to write about it anothe day)

That’s not the reason they thought I was gay, though. I was a nerd in school. I liked science and maths and engineering. I was in the chess club. My dad thought this all meant I was ‘one of those homosexuals’ and he was more worried about that than he was bringing up a girl on his own (My mum sadly passed away in 1980). He knew women, he knew girls; he didn’t know a single gay person.

I was about 14 the first time I had sexual feeling for a girl. It was in the changing rooms after a PE lesson and her name was Pamela. I remember we were all in various stages of puberty, lots of budding breasts and so on, but this girl was… shapely. She had this amazing pear shape and full breasts and, well, let’s just say if I was a boy I would have popped a boner.
I shared 3 subjects with her for something like 3 years but I could barely manage to speak to her because I was overcome with shyness caused by hormones!

At the same time though, I had a huge crush on David – he ran the chess club. He liked Star Trek and Doctor Who, he was my main competition for top of the class in maths and science and we had a friendy rivalry all through school. He was this short, skinny boy who did long distance running. We started dating when we were 15, stayed together for maybe 3 years until we both moved away to different universities.

University was when I had my first relationship with a woman, so we’re talking late 1980s. Gay was something men were, they got AIDS and they died, and they all looked either like Freddie Mercury or the guys in Right Said Fre. Lisa, this girl’s name was, and she was in some of the sames maths classes as me. Took me completely by surprise when she kissed me in the library in the middle of a study session and taught me women could be gay too. Taught me lots of things. We went pretty steady for about 2 years but then she finished university and moved home. I stayed on to do my Masters and we just… drifted apart

I dated a few guys, but never seriously. I was always far more focussed on school, science, on work and it always quickly became obvious I wasn’t the ‘wife’ they were looking for. I didn’t know how to meet women and the women I did, were intimidated by me. I wasn’t a typical lesbian. I wasn’t what they were looking for.

By my late 20s, I’d pretty much resigned myself to spinsterhood. At least I liked cats.

Then, in 1997, I met a guy called Jack. We were introduced by a mutual friend and to say there were fireworks would be an understatement. There was sex against a wall in the back alley behind a club… and I married him seven years later. That was almost 13 years ago and we’re still happily married – I can be quite certain in calling him the love of my life. Lucy, our girlfriend of 8 years, comes in a close second in that regard.

Bridget Jones’s Diary

Bridget Jones’s Diary documents the life, loves and calories of a 30 something ‘singleton’ who specialises in broken relationships, dysfunctional parents, the ability to infuse diets with Mars Bars and blue soup. In short, this is a satirical look at the life of a young woman living in the 21st century whose only idea of culture is a night in front of the TV watching blind date.

This is a very funny book and Helen Fielding in creating Bridget has given us a character who is very easy to identify with. The humour in the book comes from watching her do the things we’ve all done a million times before but have never admitted to. For example, we have all at some point cursed the invention of 1471 for what in the end becomes an obsessive compulsion to see if that one special person has called … and have all therefore been plunged into a pit of despair when we discover that the last and only person to ever call was your dad!

My only criticism of the book is that it has a slightly predictable ending; though leaving Bridget to any other fate would only have left readers feeling cheated. This is a book for all those people who understand the importance of chocolate and who indulge their addictions even against their better judgement. We’ve all been there and bought the t-shirt – now you can read the book.

PS I Love You

My guilty pleasure when it comes to reading is a good chick-lit – or a romantic comedy, if you will. I’ve been feeling a little down lately so I pulled out an old favourite for a re-read. PS I Love You by Cecilia Ahern. I’ve read it quite a few times and I really do enjoy it.

I’ve always found it an intriguing premise for a novel, and an inspirational idea in general. Holly is a newly-widowed 29-year-old who discovers that her husband has left her a “list” of instructions for her to follow as she adjusts to life without him. Some of the instructions are simple, some not, but all come from the love that they had for one another and his desire that she be okay on her own, as her own person.

How Holly adjusts to this new scenario is very interesting – the people she was used to leaning on disappear, and ones who were always problematic turn out to be her best support. I’m particularly pleased with the character of Holly’s mother, Elizabeth, and the fact that she knows what to say (and, more importantly, what to leave unsaid).

I’m always surprised by some of the sequences – there were points where the storyline could easily become sterotypical but then it goes in a different direction entirely. I love when that happens. A brilliant first novel and one that always makes me want to read more of Cecilia Ahern’s books

Astrophysics For People In A Hurry

Before I say anything else, I need to preface this post with two things:
Firstly, I haven’t written a book report or review since secondary school which was a lifetime ago and I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing
Secondly, I rather adore Neil deGrasse Tyson and the man can basically do no wrong in my eyes.

Having said that, I thoroughly enjoyed his latest offering Astrophysics For People In A Hurry

Is it a marketing trick, I wonder? Publishing a “small book” and then even attaching the words “… for people in a hurry”. Or is it an elaborate joke by Neil Degrasse Tyson himself?

Because this book isn’t all that small content-wise.

Books about the universe make you realise how insignificant we are, but this book also explains how little we know. We think we know, but we know NOTHING. Eighty-five percent of all gravity comes from an unexplained source, dark matter. Then there’s dark energy, which we also don’t know anything about. There are theories, yes, but they’re just that. The book also tells us about Einstein, who in my opinion is the star of this book (and not just the book!). He managed to pose theories that to this day stand up to the many tests.

I had preordered it a few months ago and had forgotten all about it. It was a very nice surprise when it arrived (The joy of preordering stuff !) A few chapters in, I decided to also buy the audio version. Listening to Degrasse Tyson’s voice while laying in bed is like having a warm, comfortable blanket on you. (Sorry, Jack!)

The material within the book, however, has the power to knock you right out. So I wouldn’t really recommend listening to this while preparing to sleep. The implications of this book are slightly frightening. The promise that this book will “in a hurry” prepare you for your next cocktail party where you can pretend you are knowledgeable about the universe is slightly misleading. No, this book is a gateway into astrophysics. It tells us not to be in a hurry, stand still and realise you are part of a great mystery.